Thursday, October 02, 2003
In all honesty I think I lost whatever was left of my sanity last night.
To laugh at death, to laugh at everything I've been through like that. To laugh at everything like that... To be filled with no emotion other than anger...
That wasn't me last night. That wasn't me this morning. I wasn't myself today. Somebody broke my mask last night. I would have to say that if my mask was to have broken prior to last night, I would never allow it to be in front of him. However, it did happen, as he spat so much in my face... Spat so hard that my mask broke.
But I guess I'm all right now. I don't need him in my life and I'm certainly not going to keep him in my life.
This was my saving grace today:
When You Believe
~From The Prince of Egypt soundtrack
Many nights we pray
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hope for a song
We barely understood
Now we are not afraid
Although we know there’s much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe
In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer bird
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I’m standing here
My heart’s so full, I can’t explain
Seeking faith and speakin’ words
I never thought I’d say
There can be miracles
When you believe (When you believe)
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve (You can achieve)
When you believe somehow you will
You will when you believe
They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fear
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can't see your way safe through the rain
Thought of a still resilient voice
Says love is very near
There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It’s hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe somehow you will
Somehow you will
You will when you believe
Yeah... And I'm turning back to normal again. Here's one more thing... For all those who are reading this and know me, don't ever let me forget this:
Psalm 46
God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change, though the mountains shake in the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble with its tumult. Selah There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of the city; it shall not be moved; God will help it when the morning dawns. The nations are in an uproar, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah Come, behold the works of the LORD; see what desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow, and shatters the spear; he burns the shields with fire. "Be still, and know that I am God! I am exalted among the nations, I am exalted in the earth." The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. Selah
Bananabelle @ 11:05 PM ‡ ‡
Tuesday, September 30, 2003
Maybe I should let this out so I don't go to bed angry (it's never a good thing to go to bed angry):
01000110 01110101 01100011 01101011 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00101110
Now don't you wish I didn't write it like that?
Bananabelle @ 11:15 PM ‡ ‡
Awww... My good week is officially dead. Heee... Officially turned sour this afternoon, and events tonight didn't help much at all. Nobody to talk to, loneliness overcoming me yet again, distrust taking root in various places.
Sorry Kuya, I tried, I really did... We can hope tomorrow's going to be a better day and all (Hey, CC meeting tomorrow!), but it's going to be hard now.
Watashi no koibito wa doko desu ka?????
Bananabelle @ 10:52 PM ‡ ‡
More than I hate Mondays? Quite possibly.
Anyway. Tuesdays bring about so many negative feelings in me. I don't like it. Garrrr. A lot of people treat me like utter crap. Dang. I'd try treating them the way they treat me, but we all know how well that works.
Gyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!
My grades are crap. Like completely crapful.
It's so hard to keep it a good week. But Kuya and I agreed that this would be our good week. And I'm working on that. So yeah.
Things to look forward to... Errr... No game this Friday (who wants to do stuff w/ me? ^.~), Kennedy this Saturday (w00t; although my solo sounds like crap), and HOMECOMING NEXT SATURDAY!!!
Things that keep me going... Love. <3 ^_^' And I'm thankful for that. And then today at practice I looked back and looked at the sky as the sun was setting... It was pretty!!
My voice is slowly coming back. Whee! That's a good thing. Soon I will be able to relieve some stress.
Matrix Revolutions comes out November 5. I hope it's going to be better than Reloaded, but I still can't wait to see it.
Oh. And aishiteru. ^-^v
Bananabelle @ 8:17 PM ‡ ‡
Monday, September 29, 2003
Man... I don't remember the last time I did this, but I left to go home smiling. And not my fake smile either; it was a genuine smile. Wowee. It was just a good day.
I don't exactly know why today was such a good day. I think it was just that it wasn't a bad day, that's all. I mean English I finally caught up reading Gatsby (it's finally getting not-so-boring), band I was first all worried (apparently I'm the overprotective daisy ^_^) and then I realized all my worrying was pointless, preint was blech, japanese was japanese, trig was quite entertaining, the APUSH test wasn't so bad, and it was basically a free period in physics. Lunch I got to go off campus (hee I was late by about 10 seconds to 5th, but that's all right), and after school was great. Then, I came home and did less than two hours worth of homework (I know, it sounds absurd), made phone calls, then slept.
I was expecting to be woken up at 6:45 to be ready to go to church (we were finally going to work with the kids today as actual retreat leaders), but that didn't happen. Instead I woke up at around 7:30 to an empty house and a looming sense of loneliness. I still don't know where anybody is (nobody's picking up their phones) and they didn't let me know where they are at all. Gosh... And when I went to call my "mom's cellphone" (my brother is currently using it), I realized how much I missed her. Gosh.
Maybe I'm just being a worrywart again. But I don't like this at all.
Bananabelle @ 8:17 PM ‡ ‡
Sunday, September 28, 2003
< SBad style > Children! < / Strong Bad style> When you're all going to make a layout and put music on it.... put a pause button somewhere!!!!!! That's one of the cardinal rules of good web design... I know I'm not really one to talk about web design, but it's pure logic... I mean, think about it. You're taking a homework break at 2:30 in the morning and go blog hopping (it's an example, people). And then this horrible "music" (can range from a high-pitched MIDI, much too heavy rock, a ballad that's too slow but loud enough to compensate, etc etc) comes blasting from your speakers that is meant to play nice nice music. What should you do about it? Either:
a) Warn people by putting somewhere visible on the page (visible does not mean bottom of the page) "Now Playing...."
b) Putting a pause button somewhere visible
c) Don't put music at all!!!
The actual cardinal rule is not to put music, but I decided to be nice. And why did I blog that in the middle of nowhere? Good question.
Speaking of music... I got a new megatone for my cellphone. It's called "Heaven" by Live. Uhh... I have no idea how the song goes. It sounded pretty cool though. ^_^' But the coolest point is, it was free! Hurrah!!
Hmm... Looking up the lyrics for "Heaven" though... It isn't so bad. The double negatives just annoy me. Garrr. Here it is, though:
Heaven
~Live
You don't need no friends
Get back your faith again
You have the power to believe
Another dissident
Take back your evidence
It has no power to deceive
I'll believe it when I see it for myself
I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive
I sit with them all night
Everything they say is right
But in the morning they were wrong
I'll be right by your side
Come hell or water high
Down any road you choose to roam
I'll believe it when I see it for myself
I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive, yeah
Darling, I believe, Oh Lord
Sometimes it's hard to breathe, Lord
At the bottom of the sea, yeah yeah
I'll believe it when I see it for myself
I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive
I don't need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don't need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset
I can see the sunset
I can see the sunset
I don't need no one
I don't need no one, oh
I don't need no one
I don't need no one
To tell me about heaven
I believe
I believe it, yeah
I don't have a daughter though... Maybe Yenney counts? Aaahhh!! That girl has an Oedipus complex! Only it's like, the female way of the Oedipus Complex... Err... If that even works...
Ahh!! Just look at all those double negatives!!! Hee... I think I'll try to listen to the song one time, though... Gosh, it's so true though... Whenever I see a sunset it's a reminder that this Earth isn't hell... Just like that one conversation I had with Andy. Hmmm... Maybe rainbows would do that too, but sunsets just occur a lot more often than rainbows and it just serves as a better reminder for me.
It kinda sucks though, when people are too realist that they make beautiful things seem so... Ugly. Like how the sky's blue. It's not really blue, it's just a physical property yadda yadda... No fun. Why can't we just appreciate the sky for being blue?
Same goes for the sunset. The only reason that the sky has all those pretty colors is because of the pollution in the air. Gosh, people, you don't need to tell me that. Why can't we just appreciate the beauty of the sunset?
A lot of things are just... Beautiful. Just leave it at that. Don't kill it by being too realistic.
And yeah... Flower Power.
Bananabelle @ 6:41 PM ‡ ‡
Haha, another one of my nonenglish words. Puaha. Too many of those.
It's not fun being sick... I don't know if I'm coming to school tomorrow... I probably am because of the APUSH test, but I'll have to double check his policy of missing tests.
SAT classes were aight. I didn't like lunch so much, though, because I got lonely... I didn't know anybody there, so yeah. =\ Oh well. At least I called a couple of people and that was fun.
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! 13 days!! I'm so excited ooh yeah...
¤16:41:27¤ bAnAnAbE11e: ketchup?
¤16:41:30¤ bAnAnAbE11e: or catsup?
¤16:41:47¤ Darryl: ...
¤16:41:50¤ Darryl: i dislike both
¤16:41:57¤ bAnAnAbE11e: hee jk
¤16:41:59¤ bAnAnAbE11e: wat's the diff?
¤16:42:16¤ Darryl: ::shrug::
¤16:42:24¤ Darryl: drunk guy said catsup...
¤16:42:29¤ Darryl: sober guy said ketchup
¤16:42:30¤ bAnAnAbE11e: as in cat soup?
¤16:42:32¤ bAnAnAbE11e: lol
¤16:42:36¤ Darryl: yep
Gosh I'm so hyper right now... Poor kitties.
Oh yeah. I love the Daisy Gang. ^.~
Bananabelle @ 4:51 PM ‡ ‡
